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Session 8 – Comforting Failure

Posted by: Ronda Devereaux | June 30, 2014 | 11:11 am



Failure – who defines the whole pass/fail thing anyway (go look in the mirror). I am not talking about that whole A-F thing that they taught us in school. In fact, that whole thing kinda torques me off, but that is another blog. Danielle and I both believe that things happen for a reason, but using spiritual beliefs to justify when we have screwed up causes us to miss the lesson, and when we miss the lesson it is bound to repeat…again and again and again. Did I say that I don’t like merry go rounds?


In Session 8 of the Firestarter Sessions – Danielle says “Mistakes happen. Big, dumb, stupid, lazy mistakes. Fat fricken messes that you will regret for a very long time. An no affirmation or predeterministic thinking will change the fact that you’ve done gone and fucked up. And when you can get that real about it, you don’t need to waste energy protecting your ego or pouring on the sweetener. You can use that energy to clean up the mess and love yourself while your doing it.”


Own our mistakes, clean them up and then learn from them. Responsibility and Accountability – something I believe has become lost in the American way. When you screw up, do what you need to fix it. Well what about not screwing up in the first place – how do we go about that?


Our guidance squad delivers a lot of information to us – how many times has our gut told us not to go out with that guy, and we didn’t listen? Or how often have you felt a dark cloud around someone, disregarded it and later learned what a creeper they are? Danielle’s personal theory is that you get ample intuitive information about someone in the first eight seconds of meeting them (and I really don’t believe she is talking about that judgment monster in our heads criticizing the dress that they are wearing).


I love the saying by Oprah “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” I have used this saying on my kids time and again when one of their friends is repeating a behavior for the umpteenth time. They shouldn’t be surprised when their friend that blabs all their secrets does it again – DON’T TELL THAT FRIEND YOUR SECRETS!!! And my habitually late hubby – well we just always tell him that we have to leave a half hour earlier than we do (or we drive separately when necessary). This allows me to maintain my value of being on time while allowing him his distorted sense of time (and peace at home).


Danielle touches on three other things in this chapter – principles (there are times that you need to step over to get through), incremental commitment (don’t jump off that cliff before at least looking down, better yet take a minute, take a breath and see if anyone knows if there is water down there), and domains of responsibility (when working with someone, everyone doesn’t have to agree. When you all have to “agree,” you’ll start to hesitate).


Morph all these ideas/principles together (or even use them one at a time) and there is a lot of information on how to recognize when we might be headed for that big screw up –  or if the screw up is already biting our butt then use the comfort zoning worksheet below to get yourself over and through.



The thing about being afraid or in crisis mode is that we can get so spun out that we forget where the emergency exit or the rip cord is. Where’s your bridge over troubled water? Who ya gonna call? How do you spell relief? Lunch with your best friend, a visit to church, a call with your mastermind group, a few laps in the pool, silence? Make a list of your soul vitamins so you can mentally, or literally, refer to it when the going gets rougher than tough.

When I do the following, I am guaranteed to feel close to 100 percent improved, lighter, and focused:


As for downing a carton of cookie dough ice cream, drunk dialing your former flame, sneaking a smoke in the airplane bathroom, watching Gene Simmons Family Jewels reruns instead of going to yoga class, and all manners of vengeful vandalism . . . let’s put that “comfort list” in its place.


Even though I think that doing the following things will bring me relief and comfort, they actually aren’t helpful at all:

Article by: Ronda Devereaux

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