Posted by: Ronda Devereaux | November 29, 2013 | 6:44 pm
Boundaries, whenever I think of that word I think to myself “What are they and can I get them at Costco?” Well, I looked, but they are all out. Boundaries are the way we teach the world how to treat us. Boundaries are what you have determined that other people or environments cannot do TO you. Period. So, Boundaries are basically a No! “No, you cannot dump that task on me.” “No, you can’t ignore me.”
Boundaries are your natural ability/skill to say no, and act as a filter to outside pressures and either permit or not allow certain people, behaviors or situations to enter your defined “space”. This does not mean building a wall around you. It is about the actions others and those influences on you and your ability to hold your own space. Boundaries can be categorized into many areas – with the holidays around the corner a lot of boundary violations tend to be in the Personal, Family and Friends/Peers area -Kids are a great place to start practicing boundaries.
Violated boundaries are generally times/behaviors that make you feel uncomfortable, uneasy, drain you or zap your energy. Here are some examples of boundary violations –
Personal : eating or drinking too much, overextending ourselves financially, and by feeling obligated to do things that we really don’t want to do.
Family: obligations, emotional, time traps, financial and sometimes even physical.
Friends/Peers: obligations, time traps, emotional
Strong boundaries keep abusive, needy, or non-nourishing people at a reasonable distance from you so that you are not drained and can spend your time feeling more joy and less stress on a daily basis.
I also extend the word boundary to the way we treat ourselves. If we don’t treat ourselves well, it is much harder to create boundaries with others.
Setting clear boundaries for those around you will also assist in eliminating tolerations, for SURE! They free you to do what you love, be who you are, without distractions or emotional challenges. Boundaries, in short, protect you (and inform others around you). Honor yourself (and others) by setting clear boundaries.
With Healthy Boundaries
- Fear diminishes significantly; trust is rarely an issue
- Family members and true friends respect you more
- You start growing more emotionally and developmentally
With Weak Boundaries
- You attract needy, disrespectful people into your life
- There is often some urgent issue to be dealt with “NOW”
- You waste a lot of energy to keep life going
Just say No! That is actually a weeks worth of lifework in one of my programs. This is the hardest thing for some women to say. If it doesn’t bring you JOY or stresses you out, don’t do it- this is challenging at first, but will get easier.
Take a minute and list 5 areas where your time boundaries are weak –
Examples of when you need time boundaries · Your boss gives you a new project which stresses you out and has unrealistic expectations. Your children use you as a delivery service. You’re the one who gets things done, so everyone gives you their stuff to do. You say “Yes” when you mean to say “No”
Boundaries allow you to grow emotionally, developmentally and spiritually. In order to Love ourselves we need to have boundaries within as well as external boundaries
The purpose of setting boundaries is to take care of our self. Being forced to learn how to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to own our self, of learning to respect ourselves, of learning to love ourselves. If we never have to set a boundary, then we will never get in touch with who we really are –
REMEMBER – NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.
Boundaries are the topic of module 7 in the My Best Self program –